Ultimate Marvel Vs. Capcom 3: Or “My Thumbs; My Inadequacy”

- KENZI199 is a very good friend of mine and part-time, amateur freelance writer. He writes what he wants, when he wants, how he wants then sends it to me. As such, his articles may not necessarily be the most relevent, but if I didn't think they were well worth a read, they wouldn't be on the site. Enjoy!

Marvel.

Capcom.

Take a breath to pause and think of the evocative memories those words bring swirling into your mind. Rose-tinted perhaps? Most of us have memories of childhood whether you think of the first kiss you didn’t get pushed away from, the time spent at primary school where you got bollocked (and it wasn’t your fault), or the unusual moment when your dad treats you like an equal. Well maybe not that last one for you chaps on a council estate, so the first time you stole a Ford Focus and spunked your seed up some special lady’s arse on the back seat.

But, despite your choice of leisure activity, either a gaggle of goons in costume exploded in colour before your eyes on a lazy Sunday reading comic books, or you sat yourself down with a snack to your side and picked up a pad to immerse in the world of magic that only Capcom can create. Those memories could be seen through shit-filtered, milk-bottle lens welder’s specs and still look like a halcyon heaven. Viewtiful Joe Vs Wesker; Thor Vs a Sentinal; Spiderman Vs Wolverine; these were the match-ups I daydreamed about on a long car ride, short bus ride, disappointing dirty ride, and most social occasions where I wished I wasn’t. So, why does this article have an alternate title up there? Let’s explore that together.

Always start on a high note, and the graphics are simply divine. Colourful like a techni-colour dream-coat exploding in a paint factory. This game is bright, quick, with solid lines around each character so they don’t all merge together in a mess of oil spilt in a puddle. I love the colour and the speed of everything going on is intense. Even with demanding backgrounds, two main characters launching special attacks, four back-ups darting into the fracas and launching torrents of attacks that all spark a lightshow equal to a small scale 70s disco: there is no relenting from the game, and it professionally runs smooth and shudder free.

The main piece of art in this picture museum is the gameplay itself. You pick three characters to form your team and fight three other characters, either computer controlled via the story mode, though much more likely in the frantic cut-throat online multiplayer.

Sadly, and I loathe to admit this, that’s where my experience with that game started to turn sour. My high hopes were seamless and instinctive, and accessible but deep combat; I was being pummelled left, right, up, and certainly down. I felt like the fat kid who knew his meaty ham-like fists held power, but didn’t know how to apply it to the grinning tormentor’s face - and flashback memories aside - I chose three different characters to prove it wasn’t my fault.

But it was.

I sucked harder and more enthusiastically than a recently out’d gay man trying to prove his skills on a new scene. With my tail between my legs (and a sore mouth) I tried to improve my fight technique on the Mission mode. The ball-achingly, dull as dirty silverware smeared in uniformly brown and featureless shit; Mission Mode. Throw us a shred of innovation, because you’re only fucking CAPCOM. After my dalliance with the same series of button combinations for a few different characters I toyed with the idea of quitting. But I couldn’t just turn my back on Arthur, Chris, Super Skrull. They deserved better from me damnit! With a refreshed cup of the black stuff, I glanced through the manual, brushed up on all the intricate details of power blocking, aerial combat, special attacks, Monster Attack, cataracts, hairy backs... super attacks, chaining supers, mixing in more supers, making tomato and basil soup, character changes... Refreshed and confident like a young Rocky Balboa, I set the diff to easy and had another go!

Oh yeah! Those suckers who thrashed me across the screen were getting a beastly beating at the hands of my skills. I completed the story with Wolverine, Magneto and C. Viper... Then marvelled at the disappointment in the rewards. Yeah! Pictures! And after working up the piss-taking points: only FOUR unlocked characters. Whoop-di-doo!

With a feeling of being somewhat cheated and deflated I took my newfound prowess into the online arena to test the mettle of my skills against some scurrilous rogues. I can only liken the experience to a high-school band playing their heart out, and being followed on by Nirvana with a recently resurrected Kurt Cobain centre stage. I got wasted once. I got wasted twice. I got visually proved to be worse than dysentery and cholera combined for two gruelling hours before my epiphany.

This is a game not for the single player. The rewards are not in the Story mode. This is a game for people who like depth, precision, and have the proper time to practise their craft. Some people play guitar, or learn French, but this is a game to replace those time-wasting skills. If you take time to learn, and sweat past the humiliating hours of practice then there is a solid fighting game here that’ll last you for years of online play.

But I’d rather learn French, for the ladies.